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WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW I don't know about you, but to me there is nothing worse than taking your wife out for a romantic dinner on a rainy evening only to get your arm soaked when they hand the order out through the window to you. What you need is a collapsible roof that attaches to the outside of your vehicle and then expands over to the drive-thru window like one of those n.A.S.A. Docking stations, except this one won't be used for some useless science project. Okay, now, what are we going to use for our collapsible umbilical docking station? I believe I have just the thing. I'm going to use the bellows off this accordion. I'm not a big fan of accordion music. To me the only difference between an accordion and a trampoline is you take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline. If there are any music lovers out there, you're welcome. [ cheering and applause ] thank you very much thank you. Appreciate that. Actually, it's not a great week to be up at the lodge. Harold has been promoting us as tourist friendly, and now he's rented the whole place out for the weekend to these tree-hugging naturalists. I mean, it's some kind of a corporate thing. They're sending all their senior people or something. So now I figure I've got two choices... I can either hang around here and apologize for everything I've ever done and am going to do, which is just like being at home, or I can go fishing. And I've made my decision. Uncle red, it's a beautiful day, isn't it? [ cheering and applause ] it's a beautiful day. A bee-ootiful day. Something's wrong, isn't it, harold? Wrong, no, why does something have to be wrong? It is a beautiful day! Beautiful day. You messed up, didn't you? Messed up? How did I mess up? Oh, no. You messed up. I didn't mess up! You're going to get $500 for the use of the lodge this weekend. If that's messing up, then maybe I should just mess up more often. Okay, so everything's good and we're gonna get paid? 'cause this is an inconvenience, harold. It's not an inconvenience. It's business. See, the lodge had to find some way to start generating funds, so this is what we're going to do. An inconvenience. Being foreclosed on and going to jail, that's an inconvenience. Everything's good. So everything's good? Everything's good. Everything's perfect? I knew it. You messed up, didn't you? It was a typo. It was just a typo. That's all. Well, I was under the impression that these guests were senior naturalists. What? I was wrong. Turns our they're senior naturists. Well, um -- does that mean? What the heck [ laughter and applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheering and applause ] today's winner receives a weekend pass at the bigamist arms hotel, including the honeymoon suite and a bed that sleeps seven. Okay, dalton, cover your ears. Red, you've got 30 seconds to get dalton to say this word... Yeah, all right, winston. And go! Okay, dalton, this is something you should feel when you think of your wife. Fear. No. No. Guilt. Regret. No, dalton, this is something positive. Okay, okay. Never mind about that. You see a young couple kissing under a street light, you say, they're in... Heat. Almost out of time, red. Yeah, um, all right, winston. Okay, dalton, what is the point of valentine's day? Oh, I'm with you 100% there, red. I -- you know, I think this is too tough. I'd love to. Do you want to just quit? There we go! If yours is the stinkiest house on the road, and neighbors fear your lawn may explode, me and my truck will grace your abode. I may arrive empty-handed, but I'll sure leave with a load. You know, I'm not very smart when it comes to history or mathematics or physics or chemistry or botany or zoology or languages or calculus or home ec., but I can tell you one thing. I know how cars work. Unless they're new cars or diesels or metric or some stupid thing. But for example, I know that this... Is a supercharger. Right. Good. That was lucky. Now, a supercharger is basically a high speed air pump that makes an engine work better by ramming the fuel through it. Okay, I'm not a doctor. I don't even play one on television. But it seems to me that the human body is very similar to an automobile. You've got your intake manifold; you've got your carburetor; you've got your engine; and you've got your whole exhaust system. And just like an automobile, it's built for both power and entertainment. Okay, but just like a car, once a guy gets a few miles on him, he starts to have problems. That's because over time the quantity and types of material that are going in here far exceed the quantity and types of material that are coming out here. This creates a surplus in this area, which causes a high blood pressure situation up in here. Now, the doctors are going to give you all kinds of treatments for high blood pressure. They want you to take pills. They want you to exercise. They want you to lose weight. Let's be serious. Oh, no, we need a better way. And I'm thinking supercharger. Because if a supercharger can help a car engine by moving fuel faster, it should be able to help a human engine by moving blood faster. Just give me a few minutes to hook this up. I'll show you how it works. By the way, this isn't real blood. It's cream soda. And this is not a real person. It's a civil servant. Okay, I got all my tubes hooked up to a supercharger, and I mounted a high-speed cordless drill on there to drive the unit. Taped the whole thing together using the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. I don't think people will even notice it. Of course, now, you don't want the thing running all the time. It's just for emergencies when your blood pressure hits a spike, you know, like when you're opening a letter from the government, or maybe a friend's husband comes home early. So what I did is I attached a switch to this blood pressure reader thing, and that hook up to the drill and drive the thing, and then as soon as the blood pressure gets up to, say, heart attack range, the supercharger comes on. Now, it's not going to lower your blood pressure, but it takes the load off your heart because the supercharger is doing most of the work. I don't really see a downside here. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ applause ] oh, I had a thought last week, and I want to share with you before it slips away. You know when I was in high school, the parents and the teachers always liked the kids who were self-confident and self-assured. You know the ones I mean, the ones who would talk to your mom and dad like they were their buddies; or they'd phone over to your house and if you weren't there they'd have a conversation with whoever answered the phone. Parents always like kids who had those kinds of people skills. My mom would say, "boy, that brian is such a nice kid. "he's so outgoing." and employers felt the same way. These outgoing kids became outgoing adults. They got great jobs. They did real well, became leaders in their community, and good for them. Oh, yeah. They made a contribution to society, and they were rewarded for it. Now, would someone please tell them to knock it off. At my age, I don't want to be around anybody that outgoing. I'd much rather spend time with my friend ed, who hardly ever says anything. And when he does, it's always important, stuff like "that's a cop." these days, I just don't want anybody outgoing bugging me with their good mood. I'm old and something probably hurts. I'm well aware I'm in the last third of my life, and to be honest with you, I want the time to drag. So put a sock in it, brian, I'm going fishing with ed. Remember, I'm pullin' for you. We're all in this together. You just got home and there's a new dent in the car. Yeah. Put there. A dent your wife you're about to go right off the deep end. But be careful. A lot of guys have drowned underestimating just how deep the deep end is. Yeah, we know you've never put a dent in the car. Other people have. Like that idiot who tore your door off when you left it open to go in and buy milk. Or when you got rear-ended because some goof never noticed that you stopped on the highway to pick up what you thought was a dime. Or when the engine seized-up because none of your friends reminded you to check the oil. You know, you take better care of the care than your wife does. But there's no point in getting all bent out of shape about a little dent and then have a head-on collision at home. No, don't be the one trapped in your vehicle. You may have a big mouth, but it's not jaws of life. No, you just smile and say, "that's okay, honey." we know you still love your car. Just not enough to sleep in it. Okay, I'm trying to do the right thing here. I mean, harold put a lot of work into marketing the lodge to these old nudists, and they don't really mean any harm, you know. Plus, 500 bucks, well, that's good money. So, I mean, I've only got one more day to go, and I believe I'll get through this. I just keep looking at the floor and thinking about baseball. Mr. Green, I need to talk to you. Just take it easy, mike, all right? I didn't mean to look. I didn't want to look. These people are like my grandparents. They shouldn't be naked. They should be on a porch somewhere, whittling. Yeah, all right, but it's only one more day, all right? You didn't see what I saw! Worse. Lawn bowling? Trampoline. What? Uncle red, we got a problem. What do you mean we got a problem? It's about the 500 dollars. Seems our guests feel that we're not embracing the nudist lifestyle quite enough. So tomorrow at noon they're going to present the $500 cheque to a lodge representative. But that lodge representative has to be naked. 500 buck naked. Buck naked? [ applause ] I think they want you to go. I think we're not gonna get paid. Red: Was out for a drive in the wagon, and um, I noticed the sheriff's car in kind of a problem. Looked like he had run her up on a hump there. And I was looking for the sheriff inside, but it wasn't the sheriff. It was mike. So all the more reason to get her down. Well, I've got a shovel in the wagon, but mike had another idea. He has a a different approach to most things in life. I don't totally understand the kind of logic that mike uses here, but -- anyway I like having a wagon. You can get a lot of stuff into a wagon. You're pretty much ready for anything. You never know when a sing-song might spring up. There we go, there's the shovel. All right and get back there. And fair enough, since mike had gotten into the problem, he was more than willing to actually do the work, which I appreciated until -- until he broke the shovel and then the mirror. And of course mike always has another idea so what he figured he'd do is he took the chain out of the trunk there and went from the back axle of the cop car and wrapped her around the back axle of the wagon. And he said, "don't worry. What could possibly go wrong?" all right, well, no, that's good. Now we definitely have to get the cop car off of the hump. Mike says there's a concrete block there. If I could stick the concrete block, wedge her under the wheel, give him some traction, then he could thrown it into reverse and that might just hump it right off there. Well, I'll give her a go. He revs her up, pops her into reverse, and it did catch for a second. And into the ravine. Okay, mike, now what? Well, mike figured we've still got the chains between the two sets of rear ends, so why don't we put the wheels up in there? That'll shoot the wheels back, and chain will pull the unit off the hump. And I was really too tired to think of anything else, so I -- but this time mike didn't get into the vehicle, which ultimately was a great idea. They kicked off there. Pulled her off and away -- but she's heading the ravine, mike. Do you think perhaps we should... Yes, let's... No, she hit a tree! We're good. No, we're good. Okay. Everything's fine officer. Nothing to see here. Welcome to the experts portion of the show where we address those three little words that men find so hard to say... Audience: I don't know! Excellent. And joining red today is lodge member and local antique, mr. Dalton humphrey. That's antique dealer. Oh, sorry. Sorry about that. Today's letter reads as follows... "dear experts, "recently I bought one of those home barber kits for my family. "it works really well, and we all had a lot of fun with it. "my question is can you recommend a style of hat "that my whole family could wear for the next month or two?" yeah, okay. I mean hats can be smart looking, and this guy needs something to make him look smart at this point, I would say. We have a fine selection of hats at humphrey's everything store. You know, I don't personally don't wear hats. No, you'd have to go with an onion bag. You know, I recommend the hard-hat. That way you can combine style with safety. Well, see, okay, I have a problem with that. See, I don't think people shouldn't wear hats they don't honestly use in their daily life. Now a hard-hat, well, that's fine for you, winston, because there's a reason for that. You know, I mean you either use it in your work, or you have a soft head or something. But that guy in the village people, I don't think so. So you're saying don't wear a cowboy hat if you're not a cowboy. Well, exactly. If you're out there driving cattle or mending fences, fine. But eating baked beans is not enough. Okay, but, uh, but what about a beret? Same deal. Same deal with a beret. If you wear a beret you'd better either be part of a special military strike force or on your way to a poetry reading. And if you're both, you've got some serious decisions to make about where your life is going. That's a military hat you're wearing, isn't it, red? Yeah, how many years was it that you served, again, red? Uh, well, uh, hey, I've been married 35 years, I served every one of them. No, no, that's not an official military assignment. That's more of a volunteer civilian position. Well, okay, okay. But I've had this hat a long time, all right? It's called a field manoeuvres cap. I got it during my dating years, and I had a few field manoeuvres, believe me. Too bad you never saw active service. [ laughter and applause ] I'll tell you the main problem with doorbells. They're too darn close to the house. You don't get time to get yourself ready to answer the door. This was made very clear to me last week. I was on my way into the shower, and I was dressed appropriately for that assignment. Suddenly my doorbell rings. Well, I assumed it was one of the guys, and I didn't really have time to get dressed, so I just answered the door alfresco. Of course, it's not one of the guys. It's an older lady collecting money for the heart attack and stroke foundation. She took one look at me, and I believe she had one of each. So I need something to give me more time to prepare for my visitors. So I'm moving the doorbell from the door over here to the driveway. Now, I just need some sort of triggering device. Anyone who's ever driven a car knows that a pop can emits a weird kind of weird gravity to any driver. You can't see a pop can without driving over it. So what I'm going to do is attach one wire to the tab and then the other one I've got a lead sinker on there, I'm going to drop that down inside the hole and I got a wad of the handyman's secret weapon to stop the sinker from hitting the bottom of the can. But listen to what happens when the can moves. [ doorbell buzzer ] [ doorbell buzzer ] but talk is cheap. Let's have a demonstration. Better yet, let's have a cheap demonstration. [ doorbell buzzing incessantly ] [ doorbell continues buzzing ] come on, uncle red. If you want to see any of that money you better get those clothes off. Harold, can you imagine somebody tuning in right now? What would they think? Oh. O-o-h! No! Well, do you want to see any of that $500 or not? Well, harold, just a sec. I have some pride here. It's hard to put a price tag on that. Come one, 30 bucks tops. Come on. Just a minute here, harold. The nudists said they would pay a representative of the lodge as long as he was naked. It doesn't have to be me. You're not going send a dog, are you? No, no, no. It's all taken care of, harold. Come on in here, mike. [ laughter and applause ] I don't have a good feeling about this. Well, he's not exactly naked. Well, I've got to wear this. I'm a non-swimmer. Hey, they're the ones who picked the main dock to do this. Safety takes precedence over exhibitionism. C'mon, mike. I'll hold the door for you. You're a very brave man, mike. Thank you, harold. Well, here goes nothing. [ pop! ] [ mike screaming ] [ applause ] [ possum squealing ] oh, good. It's meeting time! Oh, yeah! You go ahead, harold. I'll be down in a minute. Okay, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home from the meeting. And actually I saved you the embarrassment of showing the whole world what you have to look at every night. Well, maybe not every night, but hopefully tonight. And to the rest of you thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ applause ] dalton: Sit down. Oh, all rise! Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: All right, bow your heads for the men's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Want to sit down? Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com